I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
