Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
