I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
