I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
please don't ironically join a cult
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