why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
