I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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