I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
