Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
