In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
