I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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