Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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