I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
