im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
