Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
