I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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