I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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