Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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