yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
