You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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