So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
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I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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