My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
