i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
