Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
