Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
