I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
