You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
God I need to hump something, right now.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
