Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
