genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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