Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
