Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
