there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
