batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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