i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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