I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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