Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
