Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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