so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
