i used baking grease as lip gloss
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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