i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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