Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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