where am i from again
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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