the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
