did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
