yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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