I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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