I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
