I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.