There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
