i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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