if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
