the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
