Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Randomize
