I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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