My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
