How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
