oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
