I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
