we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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